We discovered this precious poem on one of HeartCry's old magazines and we were so blessed by it that we wanted to share it with all of you. I know it is a little lengthy, but please be assured, it is well worth taking the time to read it. I hope you will be blessed by it! What an awesome God we serve!
by: Kathrine Lessor
Don’t worry about me, I’m saved.
God is what you want him to be.
What are you talking about “being well behaved,”
Quit trying to force it on me.
I thrive on the world, survive because of the world.
I love myself, and my guide isn’t the word.
I’m facing south, staring into the mouth of sin...
and I love it.
I don’t have time for scripture and that’s not a problem,
Didn’t you see that crazy Christian speaker,
and the crowds practically trying to mob him,
I’m not one of them, he’s clearly much weaker.
I surround myself with similar people,
to me all attention is paid,
Why do you ask? of course they’re all saved.
Talk to someone else about this deep hole you somehow
think I’ve made.
I know the Lord will take me, he wouldn’t turn me away
It doesn’t take that much
all it takes is believing one truth
You know “He died for me, and all that forgiveness stuff”
Days go fast, living for friday,
It’s then that everything goes completely my way,
You get ready for hours
just to throw the night away.
I love someone, I feel it completely
But tell me one thing, why do I hide it so discreetly?
I fight it, put my thoughts into it
I tell mself he’s godly
But really I don’t care because no matter what
Deep down, I know he’s got me
He says he believes, that’s all I need to hear,
Why does something inside me hate this,
Get that feeling out, make it disappear.
My body is my world, I make it work, almost bleed,
Hours and hours of training it
It’s gotta be perfect, that’s what I need.
But to me, these things are my life
my passions, what I do.
I spin in dark circles of what I think is true.
Of course God will still take me What else would he do?
My routine has no escape
What I chose to join proved to be fake
I’m spinning and falling constantly calling... For what?
It started with one of those nights I usually threw away...
The wind started to blow my hair towards the north
the rest of me still wouldn’t go, My soul shook back and forth
Stop pulling me, stop pushing me, Just let me enjoy my life
Something’s creeping in, cutting my heart like a knife.
I need something different, Why am I hating this?
I feel like I’m trapped in a doorless abyss.
Get me out
So I went back to where I came from,
but I didn’t know why,
I wasn’t seeking God,
I didn’t even know how to try.
I hear about this narrow path, many choose not to take,
something moves inside of me, my soul starts to shake
The wind is blowing softly,
yet still more than before,
this time taking more,
and soaking all the way to my core.
I hear of false conversion, living a lie,
letting your worthless life pass by,
not really taking a chance, just doing the dance,
indirectly hating all that God commands.
The wind has picked up taking more still,
Over my whole body I feel an overwelming chill.
The tears flow as I begin to let go,
with only one half of my body still with a mind of it’s own.
I still have more to hear,
I listen as it grips me with fear
Do you fill your self with the word? No
Do you live a pure, righteous, godly life? No
Do you long to know everything about him? No.
Do you hate sin? No.
Do you love the world? Yes.
The wind roars and grabs my soul.
It grips me and pries at my flesh, My heart is full.
I scream in my head out to the Lord,
never have I done this ever before,
I hate myself; I don’t want to live this life any more.
Kill me, change me, take me I’m yours.
I open my eyes, the wind is calm,
and suddenly... I’m facing north.
Like a new born, my eyes open for the first time,
I see things more clearly. No more throwin pearls to swine,
Now life filters in me through Jesus.
Nothing is the same,
Conversations, people, and choices,
My old desires now cause me pain.
I couldn’t go back even if I wanted to.
I live for the Lord because it was by him, and to him
I was undeservingly drawn.
My heart is his. I pray everyday he fills me more,
I’m laughing, then angry at myself,
then crying at his mercy on my knees on the floor.
I am new everyday, different than the day before,
sunrise brings a new struggle, with my flesh I’m at war,
Just kill it more.
I hunger for his word, long for his word,
dig as deep as I can in his word,
Until it becomes reality,
and makes everything else seem absurd.
I am nothing without his guidance and love,
I can’t quench this thirst,
With anything not from above.
Why are we shown this mercy? I question everyday
I deserve filth and death in every cruel and torturous way,
Yet he died for me, for my miserable soul,
To make me clean and pure and with God completely whole.
I had no idea he was drawing me,
he came from somewhere I could not see,
it crept up on me,
he whispered truth in my ear,
held me in his arms as I shook with fear.
As I looked at the Bible, it became a mirror,
to see what I truly was,
but his gentle spirit,
still moved me because of his precious love.
No one else, not even myself,
Could have sped up or interfered with his Holy plan,
No one will take me away or steal me,
I am no longer a slave to sin or man.
So you see his miracles
of which to my last breath I’ll defend,
how the Lord saved my life
because the Holy Spirit is like the wind.