Just Because You're Right...Doesn't Mean You're not Destroying

Wow!  This article by Matthew Jacobson was such good reminder!  And this principle doesn't just apply to married couples, but really to any kind of relationship whether with a spouse, a sibling, a friend, etc.  Is it really worth it to be "right"?
~Breanna

We love being “right” don’t we? In the midst of an intense discussion (argument!) about something, we feel the surge of adrenaline when besting the other person. Who doesn’t love winning?

Hey, the facts were on my side. 

Aren’t they always?

And then, there’s marriage – where the consequences of how that argument went down and our “rightness”  have an immediate (negative) impact on just about everything.

Do you truly care about the truth of what you were discussing with your husband or wife . . . or is it really about winning – about being the victor, again? Are you sure pressing your advantage wasn’t more about pride than what was best for your relationship? You don’t have to guess. In Proverbs 13:10 says, contention comes from pride.

You’re not experiencing contention with your spouse because ‘truth’ is on the line. It’s happening because you are both prideful.

Being right and being prideful are often two ends of the same stick we use to bludgeon our way to winning. The “truth” can be very deceiving as we convince ourselves it’s the most vital element in any argument. But, it’s important to be correct, isn’t it? Yes, it is. But when it comes to disagreements in marriage, there is something that trumps truth and arguing your spouse into the corner.

That’s right, sometimes emphasizing how right we are is far less important than how much we value our spouse. Beating him/her with the club of correctness won’t get the job done. It will, however, get a job done. It will beat us apart from one another.

Is that what you want? Being right . . . and alone . . . separated emotionally (and often physically) from the person you pledged your life to?

In most arguments in marriage, truth isn’t the trump card we often think it is. When there’s a disagreement, it’s not a zero-sum game where someone is completely right and the other person is all wrong. How we see the same circumstances is based on perspective, personality and many other subjective factors. And in every disagreement in marriage, there are two sets of those.

And then, there’s maturity – where age and experience have shown you the many times you were so cock-sure you were right but turned out to be wrong. Humility is Maturity’s best friend. Maturity in marriage begins to take root when we realize that our own personal understanding is not the final arbiter of all that is true and correct.

Do you wan’t to grow in maturity and keep from damaging your marriage by always communicating how right you are and how wrong your spouse is? You can choose humility, right now.

How about the next time you “get into it” with your spouse, instead of digging in, you start by saying,

I may be wrong about this but, this is what I’m seeing . . . 

. . . and choose to have a discussion instead of an argument? Because you may be wrong and you may be seeing incorrectly. Pride distorts our perception and destroys every relationship it infects. Unyielding certainty in disagreements about subjective matters will put distance between you and the heart of your spouse, leaving no place for humility and no chance for maturity.

And, who wants that for their marriage?

Communication...

Good old communication.  :-) Seems to be a key in any relationship.  It's an often talked about topic.  But that doesn't mean that it always comes naturally or that it is the easiest.  I read these two articles on communication on a favorite blog of mine, Club31Women.  I thought I would share them with you all for food for thought.  :-)
~Breanna


“Something’s wrong,”  my husband said. 
How does he do that, I wondered.
My husband can take one look at me or catch a certain tone in my voice and he knows something is troubling me.
After 14 years of marriage, we communicate very well — without words.
“Yes,” I answered with a smile. “There is something wrong, but I don’t want to bring you into it.”
“What? Why not?” He asked with complete surprise.
I struggled to find the right words to express to him that sometimes I’m not sure if telling my troubles to my husband is the best thing — even those personal struggles with feeling pretty or good enough for him.
But, I knew he was right.
There really wasn’t any reason to keep things from my husband. We are one flesh, aren’t we? We are traveling this road called together, aren’t we?
After a few moments of silence, I let him in on my troubles; troubles, that to some, seem small and insignificant, but to my husband, they weren’t.
Why? Because they were my troubles and he wanted to work through them with me.
My husband and I have faced some rocky roads together. Sometimes it was his personal trials, sometimes it was mine. There were other times when our entire family was suffering and we needed to communicate with each other.
We need to bear each other’s burdens. In fact, God commands it.

Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. Galations 6:2

Enjoying A Deep, Strong Marriage

Keeping the lines of communication open, honest, and yet loving has helped my husband and I enjoy a deep, strong marriage. It’s not just infatuation or puppy love. but, it’s a marriage based on God’s word and communication.
In fact, communicating and working through our difficulties together has made us a stronger team.
Many times I see a pattern in our marriage. Typically, when I am down, he is up, and when he is down, I am up. There always seemed to be at least one of us that can offer some encouragement and comfort. I am so glad I do not have to travel this journey alone for now. I have a husband, that when I communicate my innermost sorrows, he is there to lift me up.

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Ecc.4:9-10

Though communication is vital in a marriage, there are times when silence is best — particularly when our tongue desires to criticize or tear down our husbands.
Yes, it’s best not to communicate in those times, but rather pray.
Our tongues will only worsen the situation. When our hearts are full of love and kindness, then we can seek to encourage our husbands.
In recent days, I have had a lot of drama and emotional situations come my way. I have been so thankful that I had a caring person to listen, arms to hold and comfort me and a spiritual leader to direct my footsteps.
Do you ever have those days where it seems a small part of your world gets turned upside down?
Don’t hide those situations from your husband. Let him in to your world. Let him have those hidden pieces of your heart.
As I look back over the past 14 years of my marriage, I am so thankful that I have kept the lines of communication open with my husband. Instead of telling a girlfriend or my mom, there were many times when I only told two people — God and my husband.
If the lines of communication in your marriage are down, try opening them back up by letting your husband be “in the know” with struggles, victories and issues that are present in your life.
Keeping them from him will only push him away.
You may be surprised at the relief, support and close-knit relationship you’ll enjoy from communicating!
 ~Alison Wood

 

 Have you ever found yourself feeling:

“I’m just so mad, so hurt—again. I’m not going to share my heart with him anymore. He doesn’t understand. It is too painful. We’ll live in the same house but he can do his thing and I’ll do mine.” 

Most of us, if we are really honest, have felt this way about our husband from time to time.

I call it falling into the trap of emotional divorce.

Imagine a solid glass patio door.

Emotional divorce is a bit like slamming that patio door shut on our hearts.

We still see the person on the other side, but there’s a strong, sealed panel between us.

We begin to close up our heart to him.

This trap can occur during stressful transitions in our lives-a move, a job loss, financial pressures, a new baby, caring for elderly parents, a child in crisis, etc. We are stressed and if each of us responds differently to the issue, we get irritated.

We are too exhausted to communicate.

We are afraid, and we unintentionally take it out on one another.

What do we do when we find ourselves falling into this trap?

1. Recognize what is happening and refuse to let that “patio door” separate you.

2. Make the decision to take a sledgehammer and begin to chip away at that glass wall. Thick patio doors don’t usually splinter into pieces all at once. It takes a steady chipping away at a tiny crack until the door dissolves.

3. Talk to a godly older couple and ask for their help. Most churches have older couples who would be happy to mentor you, pray for you, and encourage you. Get counseling as needed.
4. Remember God is for your marriage. He is the strong “super glue” holding you together. You can rely on Him. He will bring you through this time and your marriage will be deeper and stronger as a result.

“For nothing is impossible for God.” (Luke 1:37)

Blessings,

~Susan Yates

"In any relationship of depth and value

trust must be established."
- Matthew Jacobson -

~Brittany

A Letter To Girls I Know (on Modesty)

Dear Girls,
There are two kinds of men: Godly men, and worldly men. What kind of man do you want? I’m betting most of you said “a Godly man.” Someday, you want to marry a man who loves God with every fiber of his being because he will be an excellent husband and father. He will honor and be true only to you. Most women want a Godly man or at least think they do. Well, I think I have found a way to tell you exactly what kind of guy you will get. I don’t even have to know you! All I have to do is look at you. The kind of guy you want or will get is advertised by the clothing you wear. I know what men want. Trust me, I am a guy. I know more guys than you do and I know them better. I know what we think, what we talk about, what we want, and what we look for, and it is different for each one of us depending on our relationship with God. I’m sure you already know this, but men were created differently than you. We have different desires and priorities. Our eyes and minds react very differently to some things than yours do. It isn’t disgusting, perverted, or wrong; it is wonderful and good! It is how God made us. It’s how we handle these differences that separate a Godly man from a worldly man.

A worldly man doesn’t control himself, rather, he looks at anything that attracts his attention or gets him excited. A worldly guy has no problem when girls wear clothes that show off skin, like boxers, high or low-cut shirts, low-rise jeans, and “cute” little swim-suits. He’s a fan of tight-fitting shirts and pants that show off your form, he thinks they’re fine! Worldly guy watches a lot of TV and R-rated movies, isn’t really offended by sexual content or nudity and secretly dabbles in pornography. He’s a “Christian” and makes up a significant portion of your church and youth group. He’s a really nice guy and sees you mainly for your body. If you were to marry worldly guy, he’d bring lots of baggage into the relationship, have intimacy problems, entertain thoughts of other women, and possibly cheat on you.

A Godly man is in control of his drives and desires. He constantly seeks God and reads his Bible. He “walks in the Spirit” and isn’t set off by everything he sees. When immodestly-dressed girls, magazine covers, or risqué advertisements come into view, Godly guy quickly “bounces his eyes” away from the image. He’s constantly guarding his thoughts and what he allows into his mind. He hates being around girls that disrespect him and his struggles by wearing inappropriate attire. Godly guy doesn’t watch much TV and is selective about the movies he sees. He views you as a person, knows you and respects you. He has your best interests in mind and guards against inappropriate thoughts of you. If you were to marry Godly guy, he would give you the emotional attention you need, he would ignore other women and remain faithful to you no matter what.

Unfortunately, there are more worldly men than Godly men. And to make matters worse, to the untrained eye, a worldly man can look a lot like a Godly man. So what can you do to only attract a Godly man? An important way of delineating between them lies in how you dress. As mentioned before, the clothes you wear advertise what kind of guy you are looking for. If you dress immodestly, you will attract worldly guys and scare away the Godly ones. It all comes down to the kind of man you want to spend your time around and eventually marry. You cannot afford to be complacent in this area of your life! You will pay the price someday.

This issue isn’t limited strictly to you and your future relationship. The way you dress directly affects other men and women and their relationships. You don’t see the struggles, the pain, the tears and the sin that you cause, but I can promise that you would be shocked if you did! Ask any Christian young man; we’ve all seen it. It’s kept hidden but it is definitely there. By dressing immodestly, you effectually spit on the struggles of our weaker ranks, appearing to care more about toying with us than helping us. You’ll never know how many broken relationships and lifestyles of sin you’ve contributed to simply by the way you dress. You want to marry a Godly man someday, well so do many other women. Don’t just help yourself and your future, help all women and their relationships by showing discretion in your dress.

Of course, I understand the desire to look stylish, attractive, and “cute.” It’s important to fit in and get attention. Trust me, it can be done modestly! I also understand that it is easier for some girls to find stylish and well-fitting clothes than it is for others. This is an area where guys really don’t understand what you are up against. But just remember, for every sacrifice you make to honor God with your image, Godly men are making sacrifices in their lives that are just as hard, if not harder! They will and do respect you so much for choosing to be modest! A real lady is conscientious of the image she presents, and real men want a real lady. And you can forget about any guys missing out on how attractive you are because you don’t wear revealing clothing. You could wear a circus tent and we would still know; it’s a gift we have.

And so the question still remains: What kind of man do you want? Answer me with your clothes.

 (author’s name removed at his request)