Being Women of Strength and Dignity Who will be Valued by the Right Guy

This article was such a blessing and encouragement to me!  Sometimes it gets discouraging because it feels like none of these young guys want a serious, purposeful girl who's seeking to live an uncompromising life for the Lord.  It was a good encouragement to keep being faithful, and just trust that someday the Lord will send the right one, who does appreciate that!  Keep being faithful girls!  If he doesn't appreciate and value you, then he's not God's man for you, and you don't need to worry about it!
~Brittany

on daughters and dating: how to intimidate suitors

I have two teen-aged daughters, so it was with some interest that I read a recent post entitled “Application to Date My Daughter”. It was pretty funny, playing on the idea of the stereotypical shotgun-toting father and the mortified daughter as they negotiate the tricky terrain of a first date.  Then Christian bloggers grabbed the concept, and for the most part, these versions were funny, too. There were some common themes: slouchy-panted unemployed suitors, dads breathing out Chuck Norris-inspired threats. I didn’t lose my well-developed sense of humor until I made the tactical error of glancing at some of the comments. And then I was just flat-out sad.

Here is the comment that made me the saddest, posted by a well-meaning young Christian father:

“Bro, this is awesome. My daughter’s only 2, but I am printing this for my fridge. Thanks for your godly example.”

Oh dear.

Okay, joke’s over. Bro. Let’s talk strategy for a second. Is that all you’ve got? You need a better plan than these low-level intimidation techniques. After all, she’s your DAUGHTER, for Pete’s sake. So let’s talk frankly about what you need to do to guard her interests when it comes to dating. Instead of brandishing a shotgun or breaking out an application, you need to build a wall.

That’s right, you heard me – build a wall. Go all “Rapunzel”. Build it so high that only the strongest of suitors can scale it. But don’t wait until your baby girl is a teenager, Bro  – start now. Start yesterday. There’s no time to waste.

build a wall

In Song of Solomon 8:8-9 we hear a family’s hope that their young sister will grow into a woman of strength and dignity. Can you guess what metaphor they use to describe that kind of woman? A wall. Their sister assures them in verse 10 that she is indeed a wall, complete with towers. Her statement indicates an assurance that she is not only strong, but able to defend herself against any unworthy suitors. That’s what you want, Bro – you want a wall.

Here’s the problem with shotgun jokes and applications posted on the fridge: to anyone paying attention, they announce that you fully expect your daughter to have poor judgment. Be assured that your daughter is paying attention.  And don’t be shocked if she meets your expectation. You might want to worry less about terrorizing or retro-fitting prospective suitors and worry more about preparing your daughter to choose wisely. And that means building a wall.

Instead of intimidating all your daughter’s potential suitors, raise a daughter who intimidates them just fine on her own. Because, you know what’s intimidating? Strength and dignity. Deep faith. Self-assuredness. Wisdom. Kindness. Humility. Industriousness. Those are the bricks that build the wall that withstands the advances of old Slouchy-Pants, whether you ever show up with your Winchester locked and loaded or not. The unsuitable suitor finds nothing more terrifying than a woman who knows her worth to God and to her family.

too strong?

But here’s a hard reality: if you raise that daughter, she’ll likely intimidate her fair share of “nice Christian boys” as well. Because a decent number of those guys have some nutty ideas about what it means to be in charge. I’m amazed and saddened at how often I hear young single guys say of bright, gifted single women, “Wow, she’s so strong I don’t think I could lead her.” At which point, too many bright, gifted single women begin to consider ways to “tone themselves down” or “soften themselves a bit”.

Raise a strong daughter, even if – no, especially if it means potential suitors question whether they can “lead her”, whatever that means to them. You’ve just identified those suitors as ineligible, without so much as an application process. Leadership is not about the strong looking for weaker people to lead. It’s about the humble looking for those whose strengths offset their weaknesses and complement their strengths. Strong leaders surround themselves with strong people, not with weak ones. Rather than finding the strengths of others threatening, they celebrate them and leverage them. This is Management 101, but I fear young Christian men and well-intentioned Christian parents of daughters have gotten a little fuzzy on the concept.

put down your shotgun

I often think that if we scrutinized our parenting with the same intensity we plan to turn on our daughters’ prospective suitors, we’d stop speculating about shotguns and applications and start building that wall. So, my well-meaning father of a two-year-old, please don’t hit “print” on that application just yet. Instead of cross-examining the man your daughter brings home, cross-examine the man who brought your daughter home from the hospital. She does not need the belated braggadocio of your intentions to protect her from slouchy-pants fools when she’s a teen. She needs you to hitch up your own and invest in her character - now.

So put down your shotgun. Pick up your Indian Princess guide book, or your coach’s clipboard. Take a seat at a tea party. Teach how to change a flat and start the mower. Discuss politics and economics and theology. Compliment a new outfit or an A in math. Tell her you think she is absolutely beautiful. Kneel at a pink chenille bedside and pray your guts out. Raise a daughter with a fully loaded heart and mind so that a fully loaded shotgun isn’t necessary. She shouldn’t need you to scare off weak suitors. Let her strength and dignity do the job.  Resolve to settle for nothing less than the best protection for your daughter. Resolve to be the kind of man you want her to bring home. Resolve to build a wall.

“What shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for? If she be a wall, we will build upon her a palace of silver…” Song of Solomon 8:8-9

Thoughts worth reading on courtship from a dear brother

With permission I am sharing a letter that our dear friend, Andrew Romanowitz wrote to me today.  He expresses his thoughts so well.  We agree with everything that he wrote!!!  Since he articulates his thoughts so well I asked if he would mind if I shared his letter on our blog.  Andrew just turned 18 but his maturity is far beyond his years.  God has done a wonderful work in this young man.  I so look forward to seeing how God will use him for His glory in the future.  Thank you Andrew for your friendship and for sharing your thoughts with us!  We love and value you greatly!!!

Good afternoon!! Hope you all are having a great day so far.

What I've written here is not really so much questions as it is observations. I really like what Mr. Botkin says about courtship in that it is a wise convention which has been developed over time for the forming of Godly marriages. In the past couple of generations, we've created this cultural pattern or paradigm that is built for the most part on a great deal of biblical wisdom. There are a lot of good things to say about it. However, I think there's still some refining to be done. I'm sharing these observations with you because I'm curious to know if these are things you've also seen, or if you think I'm maybe a little off track in some of my assessments.

Lately (and in part because of some things I've been hearing about in my circles of friends) I've been thinking over some of the common expectations regarding courtship and trying to determine how realistic they are. I think there are a lot of great things about the courtship movement. The emphasis on parental counsel, a father's role in guarding the gate of his daughter's heart, and the importance of accountability, responsibility and intentionality on the part of young people is all fantastic. But I wonder sometimes if parents who haven't practiced courtship themselves, but are planning on the courtship model for their children, develop unrealistic expectations in some areas. So this is just a collection of some of my observations, as well as a few questions that are rolling around in my mind.

I think there are a lot of parents who grew up with that abject mess called dating, and who, as they are trying to spare their children all of the relational and emotional wreckage which that system produces, have developed some unrealistic expectations for what the courtship ritual can and cannot accomplish. My understanding is that whenever two people who were only friends and acquaintances begin to pursue coming together as husband and wife, there's going to be a great deal of emotional vulnerability. A system can help to prevent really awful things from happening, but it can't reduce that vulnerability to nothing. Relationships always involve vulnerability, and developing the closest kind of relationship there is will always involve a great deal of vulnerability. As a result, we need to be very, very careful with that process, hence courtship. Courtship tries to put the young man in the greater position of vulnerability, which is good and in keeping with biblical principles of chivalry. Men are more emotionally resilient and should therefore put themselves in the greater position of vulnerability where they can.
Still, I think some parents have this mistaken idea that somehow rigidly adhering to the rules and regulations of courtship can really protect young people from all emotional pain. It just doesn't work like that. Whenever you begin to think seriously about marrying someone, emotions begin to develop. I think we would gather from the Scriptures that it's good to try to hold those emotions back, and not intentionally stir them up, until the point of betrothal. But is it really realistic to say that those emotions won't develop at all when two people begin to seriously consider marrying each other? It seems to me that in some cases I've observed, the emotional connection that develops in a courtship before the point of engagement can be even more deep-seated than in a dating relationship because the young people in a courtship relationship are usually much more serious, open, and intentional about the pursuit of marriage.

Another thing I've observed...some parents are very, very busy with this and that and the other thing, and so they sort of go on autopilot, neglecting the responsibility of walking closely with their children through the process of pursuing marriage, just thinking that so long as the courtship paradigm is rigidly adhered to, there will be no big problems. That's a very unrealistic outlook. There's a common saying that the course of true love never runs smooth...when it comes to Christian marriages, I think this is absolutely true. The Enemy knows that Godly homes are the Kingdom's greatest asset, so he's going to do everything he can to interfere. There will be problems.
And when those problems arise, some parents begin making heavy-handed decisions because they are out of touch with what's going on. They seem to think that any relationship that has strayed the least bit out of bounds must be cut off completely, because the young people obviously aren't responsible enough to be married if they can't perfectly follow the exact courtship pattern all by themselves. Which is usually not a fair judgment. This upsets the young people, who have up to that point been somewhat (although not entirely) left to themselves. I have personally witnessed this very thing on several occasions. Very often parents in this situation seem a lot more concerned about protecting the courtship situation than protecting their children from the pain of unnecessary relational demise. Which makes me wonder if somewhere along the way we've developed a wrong understanding of the purpose and value of courtship.

Courtship is not just about nice young people making happy dreams together. It's about warring for Christ's kingdom by seeking to establish Godly households. Does the devil really care about courtship--or is it households he wants to destroy. And if he can destroy them in the womb, so to speak, he will. Does anyone really think that they are going to try to form such a great weapon against the Enemy without opposition? There is tremendous kingdom potential in Godly marriages, and he knows it!! This isn't about playground games. This is about war. People get hurt in war. We have to think in battlefield terms. Instead of thinking, "What's the best way to handle this situation for the sake of courtship," we have to think, "What's the best way to handle this situation for the sake of Christ's kingdom."

Another thought is that while courtship is great as far as it goes, it is not a substitute for the providence of God in developing Godly marriages. God involves Himself in an exceptional way in the forming of Christian marriages (Proverbs 19:14), and He doesn't always work inside of our expectations and carefully crafted patterns. There is no substitute for laboring in prayer and earnestly seeking the will of the Lord. We cannot leave it to courtship to discern God's will in this area. We can use courtship as a protective, guiding tool. But that doesn't mean that every single Christian marriage is going to be formed through the exact courtship process. Yes, there are some non-negotiables, but we need to let the Scriptures dictate those. There are some biblical examples of the forming of Godly marriages that really don't fit with the details of typical courtship expectations; the marriage of Isaac and Rebekah is a classic example.

All of this is not to run down courtship, but simply to say that while much in the courtship paradigm is very praiseworthy, I think my generation will need to refine and reform some things.

Thoughts? Comments? :-) Let me know what you think!

 Andrew shares many stimulating thoughts on his blogs.  I encourage you to visit them.
http://sonsoftheremnant.blogspot.com/
http://warbard.blogspot.com/
http://semprefmusic.blogspot.com/