~Brittany
I have two teen-aged daughters, so it was with some interest
that I read a recent post entitled “Application to Date My Daughter”. It was
pretty funny, playing on the idea of the stereotypical shotgun-toting father
and the mortified daughter as they negotiate the tricky terrain of a first
date. Then Christian bloggers grabbed the concept, and for the most part,
these versions were funny, too. There were some common themes: slouchy-panted
unemployed suitors, dads breathing out Chuck Norris-inspired threats. I didn’t
lose my well-developed sense of humor until I made the tactical error of
glancing at some of the comments. And then I was just flat-out sad.
Here is the comment that made me the saddest, posted by a
well-meaning young Christian father:
“Bro, this is awesome. My daughter’s only 2, but I am
printing this for my fridge. Thanks for your godly example.”
Oh dear.
Okay, joke’s over. Bro. Let’s talk strategy for a second. Is
that all you’ve got? You need a better plan than these low-level intimidation
techniques. After all, she’s your DAUGHTER, for Pete’s sake. So let’s talk
frankly about what you need to do to guard her interests when it comes to
dating. Instead of brandishing a shotgun or breaking out an application, you
need to build a wall.
That’s right, you heard me – build a wall. Go all
“Rapunzel”. Build it so high that only the strongest of suitors can scale it.
But don’t wait until your baby girl is a teenager, Bro – start now. Start
yesterday. There’s no time to waste.
build a wall
In Song
of Solomon 8:8-9 we hear a family’s hope that their young sister will grow
into a woman of strength and dignity. Can you guess what metaphor they use to
describe that kind of woman? A wall. Their sister assures them in verse 10 that
she is indeed a wall, complete with towers. Her statement indicates an
assurance that she is not only strong, but able to defend herself against any
unworthy suitors. That’s what you want, Bro – you want a wall.
Here’s the problem with shotgun jokes and applications
posted on the fridge: to anyone paying attention, they announce that you fully
expect your daughter to have poor judgment. Be assured that your daughter is
paying attention. And don’t be shocked if she meets your expectation. You
might want to worry less about terrorizing or retro-fitting prospective suitors
and worry more about preparing your daughter to choose wisely. And that means
building a wall.
Instead of intimidating all your daughter’s potential
suitors, raise a daughter who intimidates them just fine on her own. Because, you
know what’s intimidating? Strength and dignity. Deep faith. Self-assuredness.
Wisdom. Kindness. Humility. Industriousness. Those are the bricks that build
the wall that withstands the advances of old Slouchy-Pants, whether you ever
show up with your Winchester
locked and loaded or not. The unsuitable suitor finds nothing more terrifying
than a woman who knows her worth to God and to her family.
too strong?
But here’s a hard reality: if you raise that daughter,
she’ll likely intimidate her fair share of “nice Christian boys” as well.
Because a decent number of those guys have some nutty ideas about what it means
to be in charge. I’m amazed and saddened at how often I hear young single guys
say of bright, gifted single women, “Wow, she’s so strong I don’t think I could
lead her.” At which point, too many bright, gifted single women begin to
consider ways to “tone themselves down” or “soften themselves a bit”.
Raise a strong daughter, even if – no, especially if it
means potential suitors question whether they can “lead her”, whatever that
means to them. You’ve just identified those suitors as ineligible, without so
much as an application process. Leadership is not about the strong looking for
weaker people to lead. It’s about the humble looking for those whose strengths
offset their weaknesses and complement their strengths. Strong leaders surround
themselves with strong people, not with weak ones. Rather than finding the
strengths of others threatening, they celebrate them and leverage them. This is
Management 101, but I fear young Christian men and well-intentioned Christian
parents of daughters have gotten a little fuzzy on the concept.
put down your shotgun
I often think that if we scrutinized our parenting with the same
intensity we plan to turn on our daughters’ prospective suitors, we’d stop
speculating about shotguns and applications and start building that wall. So,
my well-meaning father of a two-year-old, please don’t hit “print” on that
application just yet. Instead of cross-examining the man your daughter brings
home, cross-examine the man who brought your daughter home from the hospital.
She does not need the belated braggadocio of your intentions to protect her
from slouchy-pants fools when she’s a teen. She needs you to hitch up your own
and invest in her character - now.
So put down your shotgun. Pick up your Indian Princess guide
book, or your coach’s clipboard. Take a seat at a tea party. Teach how to change
a flat and start the mower. Discuss politics and economics and theology.
Compliment a new outfit or an A in math. Tell her you think she is absolutely
beautiful. Kneel at a pink chenille bedside and pray your guts out. Raise a
daughter with a fully loaded heart and mind so that a fully loaded shotgun
isn’t necessary. She shouldn’t need you to scare off weak suitors. Let her
strength and dignity do the job. Resolve to settle for nothing less than
the best protection for your daughter. Resolve to be the kind of man you want
her to bring home. Resolve to build a wall.
“What shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall
be spoken for? If she be a wall, we will build upon her a palace of silver…”
Song of Solomon 8:8-9
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